quickly quickly because there's a lot to do
everything is happening
except in the dull moments when it's not
and the panic moments when it is, but it's too much to bear

i hate work, i want to work, i need work
i've lost the thread a little bit about why or how
but i keep looking

i see a play or seven
i hate some, i need some
oh god
i saw black watch tonight
in an armory of all places
(why don't we use armories more, they're so oddly beautiful)
i meant to see black watch in 2006
but i didn't because i was young and things don't matter the same way when you're sixteen
so so so
it's so good
plays about masculinity
of course i love them
because there's so much dancing and singing and fighting
as i walk the three blocks home
i whisper under my breath
as my heels click on the pavement, imitating those brave boys
"if there's any thing at all that i ever do, ever, may it be like that"
please
please
please
i draw a salt circle round my mind
i offer up my spectacular weakness, my bone-breaking pleasure-seeking
like salieri on my knees in church
this sink hole ache will bleed herself dry to have a glimpse of that
i will slice open goats
burn every stick of incense
and i will try to work, try so hard
stephen fry says, "everything that motivates me in life is emotional and appetitive, it is not intellectual...my whole life has been driven by nothing but desire, for all kinds of things, it started i think with sugar, it was an almost feverous desire, it was absolutely enormous, it was replaced by cigarettes and sex, it was the same physical thing...and love and passion too, the intellectual side is the slave of that desirous side."
you can have that
delete it

once i was an automaton
and i am glad that i can feel again
but i miss the old girl
the serious little girl
who craved little but the chance to work and then be alone

i suppose that might be wrong
i don't care?

Kernels and seeds

By about fifth week of spring quarter, I am going to have to hand in a Bachelor of the Arts project in order to graduate from my venerated institution. I don't have a clue as to what it's going to be about. There are things that I like and dislike, however, and maybe those things will help point me in a direction.

I like projectors and images that can waver and be walked through and can move and morph. I like non-traditional light sources, like flashlights, cellphones, LEDs, glowsticks, christmas lights, and fire. I love the elements. I want dirt and water on stage. I wish I could stage something in a pool or in Lake Michigan. I want to start a movement that puts all its plays in bodies of water. I would be suspicious of a kiddie pool. I like sand and rocks, but I also like forests. I like being barefoot and I have a taste for the mystical. I love theater that has a tingle of magic. I love watching people smear one another with various substances.

I like repetition and revision. I am fascinated my ritual and the building of it based on no God, no history, no tradition. I am interested in feminism that does not revere the past, unless it reveres the deep past, the witchiness of women, the shadows that slip by unnoticed but catch the corner of your eye. I am interested in the building of identity, in the group mind, in theater that supports my politics, and in the oceanic feeling. I like silent screams, moans, yawps, and baos. I want to move beyond Aristotle. I am not concerned with real vs. unreal only with consistency within a given space. I like non-traditional spaces. I like blood and want to see how I am might cross an audiences' boundaries with real blood. I have thought about making hooking the subject of this project. I like the sound of Carnal Art. I like sensory overload and experiential art. I love Olafur Elisson. I dig trips and hallucinations.

I think I might like one person audiences. But I care if people think I'm too bizarre. Throbbing, I like theater that throbs. I have liked Mabou Mines and Holly Hughes. I like Adrienne Kennedy and Suzan-Lori Parks. I love the Absurdists and the Magical Realists. I realize I am the product of a lot of things, but I hate consumerism and big-budget anything and useless wheely-swingy bits that do nothing. I like DIY. I wish theater smelled more. I think I like basic but sometimes I like the over-stuffed. There is part of me that is secretly Victorian. I am huge creep and have a taste for the dark, but also the baudy and distasteful. Theater could be a burp.

But I mostly think that art is another country, where the rules are yours to make up.